Crepuscular rays

After my last rather sombre post I now finally feel that the fog is lifting. I'm settled, more comfortable in myself, and finally accepting that I am enough. I've always expected so much of myself and now I realise that I'm actually bumbling along just fine! I don't need to overachieve so much, I just need to let go of the anxiety and it's wonderful that I'm finally doing that. 

Seminars are sporadic here at Durham - my fortnightly postgraduate schedule initially threw me off but I think I may be advantageous because of the large proportion of reading that is assigned. I'm enjoying pursuing studies again but I've come to know that life is not all about studying and not all about constantly searching for answers. Sometimes you have to just be in the moment and appreciate the gifts around you.

What I've learnt since making a whole host of new and varied friends is that everyone is on their own path and each way comes with a multitude of anxiety and difficulty. Sometimes I get into the trap of thinking I'm the only one struggling, but actually we're all in the same boat really. We just need to grab an oar and row together to keep afloat. What I've really learnt in the last couple of weeks is not to presume too much, let go of what you cannot change and embrace vulnerability as a form of uncomfortable but necessary beauty. Courage is about sharing your heart with the people you encounter whilst remembering to treat yourself kindly. There's no guarantee of reciprocation with the connections you try to forge and that can be intimidating but sometimes taking a leap of faith and falling slightly is a braver endeavor than always cowering away and never being able to stretch your wings.

I need reminding continually that love isn't idealistic. I've always loved the idea of love but realistically I know that it's not perfect, it's not something that can be wrapped up in a box. It takes real work in all its forms. It takes communication and patience and a real sense of appreciation. To really look at the person in front of you and to connect with them beyond superficiality. I feel like I have so much to share - I genuinely wish the best for my friends and family. I want them to achieve all they can, I want them to realise their potential and to believe that they deserve the best from life. If I can persuade or help just one person to know how much they are important, I'll have done enough for the sake of love.

 I'm content with life right now and my mind is resting very peacefully for a change. I feel like there's a world of opportunity and I'm still only scratching the surface of a beautiful, unadulterated life.