To me, distance has always seemed an omnipresent detriment that has overshadowed the way my life functions, or indeed, prevents my life from functioning. Prior to the days when I owned a driving license, I resented having to depend upon my parents for lifts everywhere, even if to simply interact with friends. This, combined with the fact that I was practically terrified of public transport, (if only for the reason of poor self-esteem that fourteen-year-olds are prone to) meant that leaving the house was a belligerent and behemothic task.
Even with the freedoms that come with being an classified adult at eighteen, being away from home and engaging in university life, and owning a driving license, the inextricable horror of distance seems to turn any positive endeavor into an inevitable, miserable failure.
The lack of allure in potential mates that my hometown and surrounding areas lacked in providing (or rather more likely, the reality of reaping an all-female education for fifteen years) combined with the reality that seemingly wonderful, attractive specimens of the male variety living significant distances away meant that the majority of my teenage years were spent wishing that distance wasn't a thing, or wishing that I could feasibly use trains and, more to the point, afford them. This in itself was a problem of practicality. My idealistic teenage romanticism hoped of course that the potential beau's who (sporadically) emerged in my life would leap across such distances without any fear of it. Yet in reality of course, the practicality of maintaining the ever-feared "long-distance relationship" is all too potent, and people seem to run away from this kind of proposition at Olympian record speeds.
A few of my potential relationships have crashed and burned simply at the thought of distance. They never really got off the ground to start with, in a manner of speaking simply due to the daunting prospect of actually having to put genuine effort into a relationship (God forbid). For me, the reality of finding someone who lived nearby with whom to engage romantically wasn't the problem. I'm sure there were nice enough guys hanging round my residence. But that was the problem. I wanted something more than mediocrity. I was at school simply to gain an education which would shoot me out into the world. Getting to university was my number one aspiration right from the beginning of high school. I knew I would leave my small home town sooner rather than later, and so settling with someone local wasn't really something I realistically considered. Or at least, I never entertained that option for too long anyway. That isn't to say I didn't have feelings for guys back home. Far from the truth, but rather more importantly, in my mind I set myself on looking for the right person - namely, finding the person I connected with more on a personal and intellectual level and this superseded the physical proximity. For me, travelling to see someone you know you would spend a wonderful time with, (albeit perhaps less frequently) was infinitely more appealing that spending a lot of time with someone who lives five minutes away. It has always been the quality of a relationship, rather than the quantitative aspect that has appealed to me, which is perhaps the reason I've had so few relationships.
Distance is not simply a romantic thing either - it is very much something I feel in terms of personal achievement too. My decision to study at a university significantly further away than where most of my friends have chosen was impacted by my desire to succeed rather than any practical considerations. I did this purely for academic success. I applied to the top five universities for my course, regardless of location. Some might regard this as foolish and elitist, if not impractical - did I consider the personal ramifications such as homesickness? For me, those things were just elements of the process to which I would have to adapt and quite frankly, get over myself. Homesickness is as bad as you make it in my estimation. I do sympathise with missing home - it's only natural to miss family, friends and pets, but you can more adequately deal with it by widening your university network, and as time passes so does homesickness.
Many of you may have heard of the term wanderlust, which is an inner seeking of the human mind for travel, to experience new things and places. I think it's something probably innate to human curiosity. Often I get this kind of feeling, but feel far too scared to engage with it by myself. Alone. I would absolutely love to roam the streets of Paris, walk into libraries and sit down for hours upon end reading to my heart's content, but something has always prevented me from taking the plunge.
When I see people sitting alone in a cafe or restaurant, I automatically feel something akin to sympathy or pity for them, as they seem to have a lack of companionship, and then I often think that perhaps they love being alone. During my childhood, alone with no siblings to bicker with, I relished the solitude I spent growing up. Yet as an adult, spending time alone is often looked down upon, and spending time alone in public is often considered unusual. Yet, people underestimate just how valuable spending time alone truly is. It can give you the potential to unpack your life, and to ponder what it is what you really want, without the impact and pressures of what others expect of you. Of course, spending too much time alone is detrimental, as humans do need regular interaction, but that's another post.
The reason I personally do not just get up and go is due to fear - both of what I will encounter, and simultaneously the fear of failure - perhaps because things may not meet my expectations, or plans may have to be revised along the way. A couple of days ago I fancied travelling further up north Scotland, places like Inverness or Aberdeen; yet upon viewing the places in question on a map, I was deterred simply by the seeming vast nature of the places. Though not exactly the colossal-styled London, I've never been comfortable with city dwelling, unless in the company of someone I completely trust. I quiver simply at the thought of London tube stations, and I make a point on train journeys of avoiding city routes, purely because I hate the hustle and bustle and the depersonalisation of city areas. There's nowhere I'd feel less alone than in the midst of city life. Perhaps that's the inevitability of travelling I have to face up to if I wish to engage in an individual venture.
Ultimately, I guess distance isn't something to fear, rather something to conquer. I mean, great ventures don't take overnight to complete and travelling great distances takes time, both physically and metaphorically. Getting somewhere doesn't have to mean the road safest, and perhaps it would be worth taking the road less travelled once in a while. It might be a bumpier ride, but perhaps that's what makes it all the more fun!
No comments:
Post a Comment